You guys. Hi. 

HI!

I am so tired. 

That is a terrible way to start a blog but it’s either that or no blog, so. Let me bring you up to date on life here in Wicklow.

In 2020 I took a big break from the catering life

I was one of the lucky ones who got to experience the pandemic as wonderful months of rest and play. During that life changing time I arrived at the idea to make candles and soaps (instead of salmons and tarts). It was a PERFECT idea. I could let go of all the urgency that is inherent in food businesses (particularly event businesses!), and I could still work with ingredients every day - which is what I love most.

I set out creating Bread & Weather from a completely different starting point than when I had started my catering business.

This was not a wide-eyed first business dream. I had learned lessons and by George I would implement them. I would not take on too much work just because it ‘sounds impressive’, or because I could do it ‘if I really pushed myself’.  I would build time into my schedule for the inevitabilities of life like illness, equipment failure, delivery delays, so on. I realised I love a boring, peaceful, creative life so much and that is exactly what I set out to create.

I had the idea to convert another section of the stables (the barn section) into a small home for myself so I could make this my life permanently.

In January 2023 that’s what I did. And I was queen Smug of Smugtown starting this project.

In 2021 I had done some renovations on my workspace. Quite a substantial bit of work to make the space much warmer and ‘winter proof’. I cannot tell you how well this went. It was on time, on budget and exactly what I wanted. ‘Easiest thing I ever did in my life’ I thought. ‘What do people all complain about builders for??’ I thought.

And guess what I did then - I hired the very same team to renovate the barn for me. What could possibly go wrong when using tried and tested people.

I have really hesitated to share how much this project has reduced me to a husk of my former self.

Partly because, based on how fantastically the workspace renovation went, I would have been the first person in the queue to assume it must be the client’s fault. Things don’t just go badly for no reason. I must be a nightmare client to deal with, surely?

Well, reader, it’s been horrendous and has pushed me past the point of human endurance several times.

I really believed all you had to do was have a clear plan, be a good client, pay invoices on time, listen to the advice of the people doing the work, be flexible, and realistic. So that’s what I did. I can’t stand those people on Grand Designs who start a project with 1/4 of the money they need, and no plan except for ‘a special feeling in their tummy’. Get. Out. 

I’m not sure exactly how to explain why it’s been so terrible.

I was told the work would take 12 weeks, commencing in January 2023. It is now July 2024 and I haven’t moved in yet.

For the first 6 months I didn’t even mind the slow pace very much. My business was growing and the routine of doing a little bit of building work followed by a few weeks to catch up on my real work in fact suited me quite well. So I didn’t hassle people. I let them fit my work into their schedule. (Dream client, right?!)

Where it really fell apart was when these grown men started to get upset with themselves that they still had so much to do and hadn’t allowed any time in their schedule to do it. I found myself managing a kindergarten of stroppy, recalcitrant, and at times very intimidating men looking for anyone to blame for their own delays except themselves.

I did my absolute upmost to work with them and make it as easy as I could for them to complete their work.

After all, how many times had I been given grace when a catering job turned out to be more work than I had anticipated? But their disorganisation and appalling attitudes eventually wore me down to nothing.

Having left behind the chaotic catering life for a better one, I found myself knee deep in people who live their lives in the unsustainable and irresponsible way I had escaped. Multiplied by 100.

I, at least, used to learn from situations I found myself in and make changes for next time. These people, when they got away with something by the skin of their literal teeth, took it as a sign to push their luck twice as far next time.

I think what you’re supposed to do, to survive, is go dead inside and not care that people can behave so poorly, habitually and for no reason.

But it makes me sad every time. I very quickly stumble down the rabbit hole of thinking about the millions of people on earth who’s dreams of simple, peaceful lives have been upended by the men who’s egos and agendas are deemed more important than everyone else’s.

I’m writing this now because I do feel the finish line is in reach.

The plumber and the builder are finished which only leaves (deep sigh, ominous pause) The Electrician.

Right now I have all the classic hits of burnout - exhaustion, dizziness, brain fog - which sucks, but I also know that I wouldn’t have these unless my body had realised that the majority of the hell is over, and it’s ok to rest now.

I know that when it is finally finished, all the pain will be forgotten and that it will be ‘worth it’ (a tricky phrase for me but will do for now). My personality and my will to live do return each time I have a break and I will enjoy my work and be creative again.

I’ve written this blog post to say thank you to you

for continuing to support my work. You have kept this show on the road when I’ve been operating at 20% energy for 18 months. You have bought my work online and from my stockists and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. I seriously don’t know how you’ve done it. It feels like a loaves and fishes trick you’ve pulled off for me.

It makes me sad that I’ve hardly been able to show up on Instagram to share stories or reels this summer of the garden, the ducks, the ponies or inside my studio. Life has not been the bucolic dream I would love to share and you would love to see. Whenever I stepped outside I felt crushed by the weight of everything that was left to do and all the exhausting disruption that would come with doing it. 

So it’s been survival mode for me. I could tell you about the many many hours of Eras tour livestreams I watched with the cat? Or give you hella recommendations for series to binge on RTE player?

I wanted to let you know about my barn house project because it is integral to my work.

I’ve gone to all this bother in order to create a place where I can live simply, quietly, and do my best work. In fact, I love my work so much that during weeks when the builders would show up and get a bit done, my friends would expect me to be happy, because - progress! However I was usually extra grumpy because it meant I had zero attention or energy left to give to my work. 

I questioned myself several times if the dream life I swore I remembered from 2020 was ever real, or just a fanciful mosaic I had made in my head from inaccurate memories. But it is real. It comes back to each time.

On Monday I found myself at my desk, doing a VAT return (early!), giddy with delight that nobody was going to phone me, or knock on the door, or arrive in a tornado of drama. 

This is it, I thought, this is the whole dream. I didn’t make it up.

I have learned so much in the last 18 months

Of course I wonder if I could have done things differently, but I’ll never know. It’s easy to feel by looking at social media that if everything isn’t perfect all the time we must have done something wrong. I try to remind myself that’s not true. I saw a creative business owner on TikTok recently talking about the madness of her first years in business. She said that yes, now, it is all in balance, and is the aesthetic ‘small business dream’ we know from social media, but it’s not possible to arrive at that balanced place without being out of balance for a while in the beginning.